Kids caught between cultures

...They live everywhere, but belong nowhere.

It is perfectly normal to feel foreign in a foreign country. What is not normal is to feel foreign in your own country. 

“Going back ‘home’ was the hardest journey of all because I didn’t belong, and felt even more alienated than going to a completely new land.”- Jason from Canada.

Welcome to the world of the Third Culture Kid, or TCK as they are now known.

So what is a TCK and what are the positives and challenges of finding oneself as a ‘Global Nomad’?

A TCK can be defined as a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years (from birth to 18 years) outside their parents' culture. The TCK builds relationships to all of the cultures to which they are exposed, while not having full ownership of any.

TCK’s often refer to themselves as the ‘silent minority’, but they are also fast becoming the ‘silent majority’ as the world becomes increasingly globalised and more and more Australian families relocate overseas.

ABS statistics suggest that over 450,000 Australians lived on a permanent or long-term basis outside of Australia. Most are employed within the government foreign sector, military, or the corporate world and according to a 2010 HSBC survey of 3,100 Australian expats in 50 countries; the Aussies are doing very nicely. Salaries average around $250,000 per year and many families have access to support services such as clubs, nannies and drivers, increasing the perception that the ex-pat life is truly ‘the good life’.

The paradox of the ex-pat overseas life is the added perception that the children who accompany their parents also enjoy an indulged life. And in many respects they do with the opportunity of travel; being exposed to new and different cultures; nannies to clean-up their rooms and a driver to take them to and from school.

But what has never been fully examined, until recently, are the unspoken issues that can affect these children dramatically and impact on their development as adults. To even discuss the trauma that can be associated with being a TCK – or the child living away from their passport country – invites ridicule and criticism of a whinging spoilt brat that in many respects has such a ‘good life’.

And the TCK certainly has a ‘mixed bag’ of life experiences; both positive and negative.

The most common profile of a TCK and the ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ outcomes from living overseas includes:

Positives of being a TCK:

·        Highly adaptable.

·        Typically speak more than one language.

·        Independent and self-reliant.

·        Able to enter relationships at a deeper and more intimate level.

·        Capable of mentoring others because life experience has been so varied.

·        Confident with change even if they don’t like it.

·        Have more in common with other TCKs, regardless of nationality. 

Challenges of being a TCK:

·        Uncertain of cultural identity

·        Experience delayed adolescence

·        Difficult to maintain a certain personality

·        Restlessness: Difficulty with commitment to people and places

·        ‘Rootlessness’: Problem with trying to define where home is

·        Feeling different from others (particularly when returning to their home country where they are misunderstood by their fellow countrymen)

·        Sense of belonging everywhere and nowhere

·        Experiences of grief and loss 

The emotional impact on these children is real and they include unresolved grief (of the world they once knew being lost), a feeling of not belonging anywhere, a lack of identity and an inability to re-connect with friends when they return home.

The transition ‘back home’ can often be one of the biggest factors impacting on the life of a TCK that distinguishes them from immigrants. TCK’s initially leave their country of birth with the intention of one day returning, whilst most immigrants leave their birth country with the intention of never going back home..

Because of this ‘hope’ that comes with the idea of one day returning to their home country – a country with which they are familiar and to which they identify – re-entry is typically the most difficult of all transitions for TCK’s as international experiences have re-shaped the individual so that they now do not fit-in the same way as before.

This is where the TCK experiences ‘reverse culture shock’ and then starts them questioning their sense of belonging.

As one leading authority of TCK’s pointed-out, “…It is perfectly normal to feel foreign in a foreign country. What is not normal is to feel foreign in your own country’.

Brenden’s story

During our own children’s informative years, we moved as a family six times. Along with my wife Katherine we lived in Chinese, Malay and Singaporean cultures. We also spent time in Indonesia which was the one country that truly ‘moulded’ our son, Brenden. This is a short account of his journey as a TCK:

A life between cultures: Belonging everywhere and nowhere.

            “Indonesia, the beautiful lush and tropical country that has stolen my heart…. could this be home? The sounds, the sights, and the smells are so familiar to me now and my memories of living there are filled with rich experiences that touched me on all levels of my being. It’s the familiar greeting in the fragrance of clove cigarettes in the air when I first step out of Jakarta International Airport on my return to the country; it’s the humidity that hits my face and warms my body making all my muscles feel relaxed and at home under my skin; the way the Indonesian language that was laying dormant inside me while I was away seems to spring back to life again and roll off my tongue; the warmth in the people’s eyes puts me at ease, and the wonderful assortment of foods – spicy roasted fish, fried tempeh and tofu, prawn crackers, vegetable curry, fried rice and satay – satisfy my hunger while making my taste buds dance to a joyous rhythm that I can only find in South-East Asia.

            In my early 20s I lived in Indonesia for four years, and have returned a number of times since to a country and people that have captured my heart. The word that comes to mind is “familiar”. This is all very familiar to me. However, what also is familiar to me is the feeling I get when I return to Singapore, Sri Lanka, Vietnam, Christmas Island, and even Canada – all countries that I have lived in and feel a part of, yet none of which are my passport country. Part of who I am is in these countries, and these countries are a part of who I am. Yet, I return to the same question I have pondered for much of my life… where is home and where do I belong?

As part of my university studies here in Canada, I have chosen to explore how being raised in different countries and cultures in my developmental years instigated in me a deep sense of ‘rootlessness’ that would ultimately lead to a nomadic life of relocation and a constant questioning of who I am, where I belong, and who my people are. Throughout this journey and the challenges of trying to find an identity of my own I also found a passion that I wish to turn into a career in humanitarian work to help those who are less fortunate, and in education to pass on knowledge to the next generations.

A Challenging Question

            One of the most difficult questions I have been asked throughout my life is, “So, where are you from Brenden?” I had such trouble answering this question that I would usually stumble over words, searching desperately for how I could convey who I was by stating one geographical location that to me did not exist – there were many locations and many experiences (see Figure 1). To others, answering this question was very simple, but to me it was agony.

 If I told them I was from Australia, my birth country, this answer would conjure up a whole collection of associated identifiers (e.g., culture, customs, people); none of which represent who I am. Yet, if I told them my whole story they would probably get bored and walk away. I would imagine the recipients of my awkward answers being somewhat confused themselves. Yet, how does someone who has no roots to one singular country answer a question such as this in only a few words? I resisted saying I was a child of the earth for the fear of sounding pretentious!           

In the end I found a nice little tightly-wrapped answer that I hoped would suffice: “I was born in Australia but I spent many years living in South-East Asia, so I don’t really identify with being Australian.” If they wanted to know more than that then they could ask me.

I am now 32 years of age and my ‘wanderings’ around the world have continued to where I now study at the University of Victoria, Canada towards my Masters Degree in Child and Youth Care. This will allow me to work in third-world countries with children and youth and make a difference to the lives of many people.

Over the years I have learned that home is an emotional location that cannot be found on a map. I am a Third Culture Kid. I live a life between cultures, I belong everywhere and nowhere… and I am at peace with that."

Our daughter, Lisa had a similar story. As a six year-old living on Christmas Island amongst the Chinese and Malay community Lisa developed very deep and strong links with Asian culture. Her best friend’s mum became Lisa’s ‘other’ mother, and passed onto Lisa, over two years and weekly ‘sleep-overs’,  many of their Chinese values and principles . Lisa was happy, secure and progressed well in her ‘Asian’ lifestyle.

Then when I was transferred back to WA in my work, suddenly Lisa, at eight years old, also found herself back in a Perth; in a primary school with mostly Caucasian children, including old friends, who just seemed ‘completely different’.

“I really struggled with my identity and values”, said Lisa. “My ‘old’ friends had formed new relationships in my absence, and anyway, they seemed so different to me when I got back home, that I just couldn’t relate to them.”.

Lisa described her experience of being ostracised and feeling very much alone in a world where she no longer belonged. Today in her late twenties, Lisa has a wonderful partner and is now very content with life yet at times still feels the impact from being one of the misunderstood ‘Global Nomads’.

“Ironically, whilst I struggled for some years with the re-adjustment back into Australian life”, said Lisa, “these days I am happy to feel and be an ‘Australian’ whereas my brother Brenden, has no desire to ever integrate back into Australian life”.

“I still retain mixed feelings about my nomadic life during those informative years, having lost so many of my Aussie friends but then making new friends and experiencing new cultures.

Today, at 28 years of age, my family still laugh when I am able to resite the Singapore National Anthem (which is sung in Bahasa Malay) with ease. I guess that makes me a true TCK?”

As more and more children join the globalisation of our world, the TCK will need to become far more recognisable and understood. It will be necessary for schools and their counsellors to be trained in how to re-assimilate a TCK back into ‘normal’ life and how to use a TCK’s enormous assets to build better communities and links with other countries.

Currently, apart from within International Schools, there is very little understanding of the impact that life has on a TCK, and inevitably their family. And there is very little understanding from our government and business community of the enormous value a TCK can bring to international relations and trade, particularly within Asia where cultural protocols and understanding is critical to any successful relationship.

There is an urgent need therefore for us,  as educators and as a community, to understand about TCK’s and use these unique abilities and cross-cultural skills that will assist to create future business and community leaders as part of our multi-cultural society and desire to progress as an important part of the ‘Asian Century’.

Ross Taylor is the chairman of the WA-based Indonesia Institute (Inc) and a former WA trade director to Indonesia.

January 2013